Dearest Friend,

 Today I attended a funeral where I felt very selfish with my tears.  I cried not for the soul that was gone,for in knowing that she was with you now and no longer in any pain that this life held for her, she didn’t need my tears. They fell for the ones that are here to pick up the pieces, the family that had no strength to bury their mother/sister/grandmother/friend. Walking inside the church today, my heart was heavy, it was just three years ago today I lost someone that meant the world to me, a friend/brother.  My tears were for him as well, hence the selfishness I was feeling inside. I couldn’t stop them from coming. I tried to take a few deep breaths and prayed to be transported in my mind to a far off place that felt none of this right now. I remember thinking, if only I could close my ears and tune into something not being said I could get through this, but I was still sitting in that green pew with people all around sniffling and wiping away the tears as fast as they ran.  My hearing caught every word of how much the dearly departed loved you and how she grew your relationship stronger by spending time with you, because she understood that was what it was about. A friendship, a journey through life trusting that you always have the best intentions for outcomes, the most loving arms to fall into, and the most honest truth to tell.  

 I grew up being afforded an opportunity to know you, but I never appreciated it.  I never could grasp the true intentions of the relationship.  I remember the love and comfort stories that people told but what always stuck out to me more was the “hell, fire, and brimstone” mixed with wrath and vengeance angles.  I guess I never grasped the “assignment”.  I felt afraid and that never bosts a flourishing friendship, one can’t be afraid of the other.  I think about the friends around me during difficult times, some reached out, some disappeared, and some stayed behind the curtains praying when I needed it the most. Looking back, I can see that you were right there beside me on the floor holding my hand while I cried out about it all, the quiet comforter. I must admit that I know my shortcomings and  freely admit that my lack of understanding what was wanted from me was a willingness to love you as unconditionally as you love me.  I’ve never been great at cultivating any kind of ships, friendships or relationships.  I forget sometimes that these ships require work not to run into the docks of life. So during that service today, when I was wishing to be anywhere else but there, the words were what I needed to hear.  Lovely, kind individuals speaking about the relationship that she had with you and that is our intended purpose on this earth, I was listening. 

 I promise to work on my part to grow our relationship and to learn to trust that you will never abandon me, that you will be there in the midst of everything to comfort, guide and love me through every mistake and challenge I endure. 

Signed, 

ME

 

Dear Mr. Memory,

The other night as I was strolling down the country pavement road with the four-legged beast, Polly, it was beginning to turn dusk so the heat was dying down just enough to where the walk wasn't miserable. I could smell the sweetness of the mimosa trees in the air and to my right was the pond, the insects making little circles along its surface, and the lightning bugs glowing along the embankment. I was listening to the randomness of my Spotify playlist as I sweated along down the road, watching as the wild bunnies hopped onto the other side of the fence to escape me and the beast invading their evening.  These sights alone would bring back feelings of nostalgia along with a flood of memories from my life, but the song playing at that moment seemed to freeze time for me. The song went, "when the night is over, out of all the places I could choose I go to you, only you. Feel you just below the surface, darling, all I wanna do is go to you.".  It was with those words I began to think of you and you spoke back to me and as if you were a brother of the string, you blended those notes so effortlessly with the images that came flooding to the surface.  

 There is Moody, standing as a young child with those blonde curls wrapped around her head and a heart as big as this world itself just bouncing on the trampoline to her now, as a mom herself.  Stinky in all his lispy forms of communication chattering my ears off about all the possibilities this life can hold to now being a husband and a leader for his wife.  Doodle, the most fantastic 3 year old hand holder,  amazing me with all the knowledge his little nine year old brain can hold and how wide his arms spread to give hugs to those he loves.  Little K'lani Rea's sweet face with those big brown eyes filled with excitement for exploring this life. Camille turning one and devouring the cake as intensely as she will attempt to devour whatever comes her way.  Past friendships before the turmoil to new friendships that encourage growth of spirit. Coworkers I hadn't thought about in years and the small moments we shared during long work hours widened the smile on my face. Flashes to those moments where I felt like just one more human on this planet felt the same way I did and how precious being understood for just a single moment resonated within my being. 

What an odd thing, to think of memories that are my own as a separate entity, but that is what was drawing me into the movie complex of my brain.  The flashes of time that led to who I am now, today, with more to lead to who I am to become.  I don't believe I've ever understood quite how intimate our relationship was before now.  Feeling, what I thought was sweat dripping down my face in abundance, I wiped it away and was pulled back by the leash of reality to finishing the walk, but there was more than the sweetness of those mimosas in the air that evening as I made my way to my back porch for a well deserved rest.  I sat down in the swing and pressed my Air pods in just a little further, hit repeat while I sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the show.  Thank you for reminding me that the past isn't always  filled with the heartache of loss or the anger of things gone wrong, but a kindness that reaches into my soul to show me that no matter how hard things become in this life that there is always a smile to brighten the darkness.