Today I attended a funeral where I felt very selfish with my tears. I cried not for the soul that was gone,for in knowing that she was with you now and no longer in any pain that this life held for her, she didn’t need my tears. They fell for the ones that are here to pick up the pieces, the family that had no strength to bury their mother/sister/grandmother/friend. Walking inside the church today, my heart was heavy, it was just three years ago today I lost someone that meant the world to me, a friend/brother. My tears were for him as well, hence the selfishness I was feeling inside. I couldn’t stop them from coming. I tried to take a few deep breaths and prayed to be transported in my mind to a far off place that felt none of this right now. I remember thinking, if only I could close my ears and tune into something not being said I could get through this, but I was still sitting in that green pew with people all around sniffling and wiping away the tears as fast as they ran. My hearing caught every word of how much the dearly departed loved you and how she grew your relationship stronger by spending time with you, because she understood that was what it was about. A friendship, a journey through life trusting that you always have the best intentions for outcomes, the most loving arms to fall into, and the most honest truth to tell.
I grew up being afforded an opportunity to know you, but I never appreciated it. I never could grasp the true intentions of the relationship. I remember the love and comfort stories that people told but what always stuck out to me more was the “hell, fire, and brimstone” mixed with wrath and vengeance angles. I guess I never grasped the “assignment”. I felt afraid and that never bosts a flourishing friendship, one can’t be afraid of the other. I think about the friends around me during difficult times, some reached out, some disappeared, and some stayed behind the curtains praying when I needed it the most. Looking back, I can see that you were right there beside me on the floor holding my hand while I cried out about it all, the quiet comforter. I must admit that I know my shortcomings and freely admit that my lack of understanding what was wanted from me was a willingness to love you as unconditionally as you love me. I’ve never been great at cultivating any kind of ships, friendships or relationships. I forget sometimes that these ships require work not to run into the docks of life. So during that service today, when I was wishing to be anywhere else but there, the words were what I needed to hear. Lovely, kind individuals speaking about the relationship that she had with you and that is our intended purpose on this earth, I was listening.
I promise to work on my part to grow our relationship and to learn to trust that you will never abandon me, that you will be there in the midst of everything to comfort, guide and love me through every mistake and challenge I endure.
Signed,
ME
