I honestly was so caught off guard receiving a message from you. I stood there, reading your words, "you have been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I've apologized to you a million times over and over in my mind. I was too chicken shit or too lousy of a person to do it in reality. I should have reached out during your time of grief at the very least. I know this is so selfish of me in so many ways but it is very heartfelt.". How was I supposed to respond to that after so many years? I felt like all of the options that swam through my head were just too....too heavy. As I contemplated sending my infamous "F you", I, instead put the phone down and walked away from the idea of responding.
I must admit I’ve written this letter so many times but never could hit that send button on it. Something just didn't feel authentic with my words, I wasn't being honest with my thoughts or feelings this time. I was trying to "sugar coat" them or perhaps, just not sit in them anymore. I was hurt that you just left and even more hurt that you didn't reach out until two years later. I guess that perfect life you were chasing was too challenging to pick up the phone sooner. Perfection is what you’ve always wanted and I do hope you finally found it. I know that is something I will never strive to be because mediocrity and challenges provide my life with humor and my spirit with growth.
You have been absent from my life for so long now, we do not know each other anymore. As much as that saddens me to say, it is the truth. Your attempt to reach out was the bare minimum to make you feel better about how things happened in this past friendship. You waited another year before another message, just trying to let me know you were close by in case I happened to initiate conversation this time. Get that cheap bait out of here....I'm not biting!
There was a time I answered every call and every message, swiftly, even when it wasn't convenient for myself. I pulled away from those around me to hide away with you. I gave and gave of myself without any appreciation from you. I forgave and let things go whenever you got on that high horse of yours and felt as if I wasn't worthy of your time, attention, or friendship. Then you turned around and continued the behavior time and time again, and my forgiveness never ran out. It still hasn't. Forgiveness will remain yours, but my attention will not.
Maybe I'M too chicken shit to respond to you in fear of opening up old wounds that are better left closed. I'd like to think I was past all of that and leaning into the fact that your words mean nothing to me now. I once held them in such regard, but they are just words, your actions are what has led me to this place of indifference. I wish you the best this life you have made for yourself has to offer, but my sideline days of watching it have ended.
No need to alleviate your conscience anymore with half truths or fake sentiment, all is forgiven and trying to be forgotten…for good.
Simply,
ME
