I look out the window and watch the snow fall, slowly, at first, each flake, differing in size, trinkling to the ground ever so lightly; to the rush of more falling faster as if fighting to cover the ground as quickly as possible. The snow, a fear of mine, for what reason I've never understood. If I'm home and safe inside with nowhere to go, I don't fear it, but if there is a chance I have to be out in public in it, suddenly, the only thing I can think of is.....HIGH insurance premiums! It's irrational to think that way, but as I see them, floating around outside, each one in a different shape and size, I think that represents to me all the fears in life. Some are huge and they are all you can see for a minute, while some are faintly there but if you focus on them it blinds your sight to nothing else.
I am reminded of a dream I had one night during a time in my life that was very much tumultuous, where my fears spoke so loud that was all I could hear most days. When I awoke one morning and began to wipe the sleep from my eyes, the vision of the dream from the night before was just so clear in my mind. I see an A-framed home nestled into the forest with smoke coming out of the chimney in short puffs that chugged across the grey sky. I'm dressed in a black thermal shirt, warm black leggings covered by thick burgundy winter socks, and a toboggan on head to cover the bed head happening trying to soak in as much warmth from the wood stove as possible. I look over and see the dog lazily lying on the couch with a peace about her. I move toward the kitchen to patiently wait on my morning shot of caffeine. As the coffee is brewing, my gaze moves toward the window to overlook the flurries that are continuing to fall. The view of quietness all around resonated inside of me as I stared at my blanketed surroundings. I could feel the "shhh" of the forest as the creatures retreated home to snuggle with their furry loved ones. I gathered my cup of hot brew and nestled beside the dog, just sitting in the silence. I am not use to the silence. Here I am, watching myself engulfed in this quiet peacefulness that I never thought possible, in a place surrounded by something that has always scared me. It hits me, this must be where I speak to God in my dreams.
When I had this dream I was at a job that was causing me severe anxiety and I found my mental health was reverting to a time that I had believed I had gotten past, but found myself breaking down on a weekly, if not, daily basis. I thought I had created a home there and it was on fire all around me. I was miserable, discontented, unvalued, and taken for granted, which all seemed to remind me of a marriage I was once in, long ago. Change has always been hard for me to accept, hence why I stayed in places and with people that never understood my worth. Maybe, I wasn't great at seeing my own worth at those times either, or ever. The thought of leaving and things becoming worse for me were always a factor in my staying, but I never believed things could be better! I applied to several places and nothing seemed to pan out. I was getting a little discouraged and thought to myself that maybe these people were undervaluing me because they could see that I had no real potential for growth. I would beat myself up daily for getting into this situation, relying on a work place where my fears grew bigger each day. After the dream, I settled into the fact that God had a plan, a place, and a cabin in the woods for me to nestle into and make my own. One day back in September, I applied for a position and it just all fell into place. A new job, at home, working toward making the position my own and becoming a valued member of a team was more than I thought I could ask for, but God delivered. It seemed too easy, my fears came with me at first. It's been almost 5 months now, and I'm settling into my office chair at home and typing away daily to prove my professional worth to myself and others.
I pick up my coffee, sip and watch out this window with a new perspective today. From those large flakes that seem to overtake the small ones on their way down, I can watch them without the fear swallowing me whole now, knowing that God's timing is perfect timing and quiets even the loudest voices that come to distract you from His purpose.
Sincerely,
M.E.
