How to keep your mouth shut when all you want to do is
scream sometimes?
Well, let me help you
out because I have finally figured out the formula for doing such a thing. But let me warn you, it could cause you to
maintain a level of resentment and anger within yourself that at some point you
may not be able to shove down any farther.
Imagine, if you will, a little person that resides deep down within you and as people say/do things that little person wants to climb up but you keep your hand right at the top so that when she starts to get
to the top, you just push on her head until she is at the bottom again then you
repeat this process over and over and over again. Until one day, you realize
that little girl is no longer gonna be pushed down anymore and she comes out of
the top with a vengeance. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger
in Commando with the rocket launcher full of all the things you’ve been wanting
to say for so long shooting out of your mouth toward the other person. Needless to say, ultimate destruction and
possibly a little vomit to boot! So, now
that you are fully warned, here are the steps to follow on your way to (what I
like to call) “Slapping a smile on instead of slapping someone”!
Step 1: Whenever
someone says something you do not agree with or you find utterly full of bull
malarkey, you engage your upper jaw and your lower jaw by spreading them apart
and completely biting down at the same time hoping that your tongue did not get
wind of what you were about to do and run toward your tonsils because you have
full intention of injuring it to the point of not being able to speak.
Step 2: Whenever a person throws something up in your face, be
it either a previous lover or a current “EX”, repeat Step 1 but with a little more
emphasis on the bite down and (if on the phone) hang the phone up claiming there is static on the
phone. (Think Verizon, can you hear me now commercial ?)
Step 3: Whenever a person presents their friendship as
being “better” than yours or they act like being your friend is doing you some
sort of “favor”, repeat Step 2 and make sure you actually see blood this time.
Step 4: Whenever a
person treats you like a complete child when you have already established that
you are a real life grown up that has spent 17 years raising two kids on your own,
Repeat Step 3 and run in the opposite direction of where this person is – even if
you are only on the phone, drop the phone and run the opposite direction.
Step 5: Whenever a person
confuses you to the point of never knowing where you completely stand with them
or the status of your “private” relationship, repeat Steps 1-4 and if that
doesn’t work, let that little girl inside come flying out with that rocket
launcher and maybe, just maybe, she will be sportin’ a grenade or two in her
pants to throw out and help the mass explosion that is about to come out of
your mouth like word vomit!
I hope these steps have helped you in learning how to
sufficiently shove your tongue down your own throat in hopes of keeping the peace
and not allowing your words to get the better of you in any and all
situations.
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