Unchallenged and unimpressed

There is one question I get asked by my family just about every Sunday..and that is, "Why are you still single?".  My answer is simply, "Hell if I know!". I believe the answer is two fold though. I absolutely refuse to settle again AND I am quite a handful!  I totally understand me and I am completely aware of my shortcomings and issues.   I'm sweet and salty, bitchy and twisted, funny and flighty, devilish and innocent all rolled into one hand crafted creation of woman. I pout when I don't get my way, I can't cook to save my life (which surprises me that the Mongrels did survive their childhood with minimal cooking accomplishments on my part), I can't hold a grudge (even to those I feel are completely deserving of hot pokers of hatred), and I am fully aware of the outstanding nature I have of talking incessantly about anything and everything, how I say what is on my mind without minding who is around. I am very territorial within all aspects of my life - I am not a big fan of sharing anything that is mine. I have this wild hair that grows out of my ass sometimes and makes me feel if I don't do something wild and crazy then I will just explode from the lack of fun.  I am quite the "Quote Aficionado" - meaning I have some useless humor or words of wisdom (whichever you are needing) on hand at all times. Also, I am a complete word whore - I absolutely love how they comfort me and abandon me all at the same exact time. I can be quite awkward, especially if I find you attractive. Need I go on or you get the picture?
Soooooooooo, as you can see it is going to take a special kind of crazy to handle all of me and my awkward, word loving, wild hair growing self.  None have been up to the challenge and that's ok....until one challenges me and actually wins, I'm just fine entertaining myself.

Fun has left the building!

My Dearest Mr. Fun,

It saddens my heart to have to write you this letter since I have considered you a dear friend and a confidant in all things epic over the span of my life!  But, as of lately, you have disappeared when I have needed you the most.  I truly hope nothing bad has happened to you. I know you have a tendency to dabble with the strippers and the occasional bender is just fine, but I need you back in my life.  You add spice and leave me feeling more than content which is something I have been lacking as of late.
Since you haven't been here, let me fill you in on what's been going on....ummm, uhhh....well, ummmmm....Well, since Bunny Boredom came along nothing has really happened.  Even her showing up has been uneventful.  Except for the fact that I can't get rid of her, I believe she may think I'm a lesbian now since you've been gone so long...She's GOT to go! Sorry, Bunny,  I prefer dick over blondes!!!  She could never understand the connection that you and I  have together.  You will always be my number 1, el numero uno!  Our adventures have always been exciting and full of surprises! Remember that one time in Charleston??? The Wet Willy afternoon? OH my, Good times..good times. And who could forget the big White House dance floor?  You, my friend, were a complete kick ass partner that night and I've been wanting to dance with only you ever since!  Oh well, I needed to tell you that I miss you and hopefully, you will come back into my life very soon to create some sunshine where there currently is none.  Oh, if you want, you can bring along that HOT fella named Inspriation (and the strippers) and we can truly get the party started! ***ME BLUSHING***
Until we dance again, here is all my love and hopes of you sweeping me off my feet..once again!

 Smooches, Darling!

Signed, Uninspired as of late

Fighting crime one Gabe at a time......

A simple evening shopping leads to a crime stopping adventure.  Last week as I’m shopping around one of my favorite discount non-chain stores, I encounter a crime being committed…well, what I saw to be a crime.  A gentleman walked into said lovely cheap store with nothing in hand and proceeded to walk out with two very large bags of items without first stopping by the checkout counter to pay for those items. So, as I pull into the parking lot tonight (along with my trustee side kick, my partner in all things non sexual), I spot a vehicle that appeared to look like the prior week’s get-away car!  I get out, nonchalantly walk to the back of the car and make note of the license plate (2 things here…nothing was nonchalant about peering my head around the back of that car for a whole 5 seconds and calling it out to said partner in crime and second, I forgot the last four numbers of the plate as soon as I walked away), we proceeded inside the store not believing that the suspects would be inside less than a week later.  I informed Wonder Windy (aka partner in all things non sexual) the physical description of the three perpetrators as we are entering the scene of the “alleged” crime.  We weren’t in the store 5 minutes before suspect one was spotted (and I believe he was wearing the same white t-shirt as last week so he doesn’t appear to be smart enough to steal something else to wear!). Once identification was made, I informed management (well, the little old lady with gray hair at the fitting room who called the manager three times but he never came).  Oh well, the team of associates followed them around the store until they finally departed..one at a time, and might I add, leaving behind a buggy full of items they had planned on stealing.  Not my business some may say but to those people I say, “You ARE welcome!”.  If people continue to steal, it drives the cost up for us buying consumers and I can only find so many clothes my size at the Goodwill people!  Needless to say, I was wearing my super hero cape tonight foiling the criminals plans to loot a store!  Super Girl better watch out….Wonder Windy and Capt'n Cook are on the prowl.  You never know if we will be appearing at your favorite store next….(unless it’s high end then it’s safe to say you won’t see us there unless we are the perpetrators, we got pennies to pinch around this phone booth ;-) ).  As I tuck my cape back under my dress, the phone rings, the Mongrels are in need of rescue, Geesh, that cape never gets a rest!!!  

The NOTS in it....

Spinnin' me around,
Had me so confused.
I was dancin' all alone
Barefoot with no shoes,
To the beat of my own heart.
Wishin' I could go back,
Back to the very start.
Cause the start was so clear,
Just let go of the past,
And all of the fears.
The fear of the NOTs,
Like all the times before.
The NOT good enough
Knocking down my damn door.
The NOT strong enough,
Comin' apart at my seams,
The NOT pretty enough,
For the man of MY dreams.
The do NOT touch me man
He’s feelin’ some type of way,
Got me NOT feeling like myself
NOT knowing what to say.
But let’s tell it like it is
From here on out.
It’s all of your NOTS
That give you the doubts.
So, why you're wastin' time
And feelin' your way along,
Don't be lookin' for me
Cause I'll be movin' on.
See, I am that chick
More loyal than you know
You just didn't have it in ya'
To love me and let go.

"Don't let your mouth block your blessings"

When people talk about the gifts that God has given them, I have constantly wondered, what is mine?  I contemplated this for many years and one day, I thought to myself the only thing that I somewhat do well is run my mouth. If you know me, you know I’m a talker and have been since I was born.  In fact, I’m pretty sure my first breath wasn’t a breath at all but a word spoken that no one understood at the time!   I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY WORDS!  So, maybe that is my gift?  The “gift of gab” (if that’s truly a gift) has not always been used to promote happiness or understanding, and at times has been very venomous and spiteful.  I know, that sounds so horrible but it’s the honest truth. Now, as far as what I’m supposed to do with this “gift”, I am left a little lost, so for now, I will continue to pray about that.  BUT, that’s beside the point of this post, so let me get back to it.

With me glowing in my love of my words, it happens that lately, I have found my thoughts senseless and completely jumbled inside of my head. The words are there, but nothing seems to come out.  It’s like I can almost touch them but I can’t speak or type them.  My lover, Language, has been my best friend for years and now wants to pack his bags and leave?  What am I to do without my words?   Then, it finally dawns on me…maybe...just maybe, I’m not supposed to DO anything!  That this is God’s way of saying, “There is nothing you need to say or do, but trust ME!  I am handling this.”   It’s like He had taped my mouth shut and blocked my mind so that I didn’t interfere with His work because He knew the words that I wanted to use and they were not loving or kind, or even polite.  

What's the moral of my epiphany:  When God starts to work and we step in the way and try to do things on our own, we are interfering in business that we have no business interfering in!  So sometimes, if the words don't seem to come so fluidly to you, there is a reason for that.  Trust in the silence because God's plan is bigger than any of the words that I love so dearly!   

Lies are more becoming?

Without the truth you are left with a handful of lies that don't amount to anything real.  You'll find yourself spending time digging through the words that were spoken in your ears like a child whispering your name so softly that it catches every feeling you've ever had and every feeling you've ever wanted to have.  

Then realizing those whispering words were tarnished with the blackness of the untruth.  That the minutes spent digging through the words and the hours spent pouring over the language and the total time spent rocking that child to sleep with the murmuring words flowing from their lips were all spent in vain.  The truth never resided within that place because it cost too much.  

Lies have taken the beauty out of our speech to each other with all the ugliness they portray.   

So, why is it we are so willing to put our headphones on and listen to that melody being played in our ears?  Because when those tarnished words are being trickled past the lips into our space, we want to believe those words as the beautiful truth from the beautiful person with the beautiful soul that was sent by God Himself straight to us, to deliver those heavenly words to the spirit that flows within us wanting nothing more than love and adoration from that beautiful soul speaking those words. 

In order for us all to stand in the truth we must first be willing to speak and listen to our own truth.  The truth that you may never want to hear the unadulterated gospel from someone that you love due to the heart breaking sound that may follow.  The truth that we are all worthy of not being slaves to the lies spoken into existence by those that do not find worth in the truth itself.  So men and women will continue to speak their lies through their stained lips, all the while binding the truth within, never to escape past their thorny prison.  

Let me tell you somethin......

How to keep your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream sometimes? 

Well, let me help you out because I have finally figured out the formula for doing such a thing.  But let me warn you, it could cause you to maintain a level of resentment and anger within yourself that at some point you may not be able to shove down any farther.  Imagine, if you will, a little person that resides deep down within you and as people say/do things that little person wants to climb up but you keep your hand right at the top so that when she starts to get to the top, you just push on her head until she is at the bottom again then you repeat this process over and over and over again. Until one day, you realize that little girl is no longer gonna be pushed down anymore and she comes out of the top with a vengeance.  Like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando with the rocket launcher full of all the things you’ve been wanting to say for so long shooting out of your mouth toward the other person.  Needless to say, ultimate destruction and possibly a little vomit to boot!  So, now that you are fully warned, here are the steps to follow on your way to (what I like to call) “Slapping a smile on instead of slapping someone”! 

Step 1:  Whenever someone says something you do not agree with or you find utterly full of bull malarkey, you engage your upper jaw and your lower jaw by spreading them apart and completely biting down at the same time hoping that your tongue did not get wind of what you were about to do and run toward your tonsils because you have full intention of injuring it to the point of not being able to speak.

Step 2: Whenever a person throws something up in your face, be it either a previous lover or a current “EX”, repeat Step 1 but with a little more emphasis on the bite down and (if on the phone) hang the phone up claiming there is static on the phone. (Think Verizon, can you hear me now commercial ?) 

Step 3:   Whenever a person presents their friendship as being “better” than yours or they act like being your friend is doing you some sort of “favor”, repeat Step 2 and make sure you actually see blood this time. 

Step 4:  Whenever a person treats you like a complete child when you have already established that you are a real life grown up that has spent 17 years raising two kids on your own, Repeat Step 3 and run in the opposite direction of where this person is – even if you are only on the phone, drop the phone and run the opposite direction.  

Step 5:  Whenever a person confuses you to the point of never knowing where you completely stand with them or the status of your “private” relationship, repeat Steps 1-4 and if that doesn’t work, let that little girl inside come flying out with that rocket launcher and maybe, just maybe, she will be sportin’ a grenade or two in her pants to throw out and help the mass explosion that is about to come out of your mouth like word vomit! 

I hope these steps have helped you in learning how to sufficiently shove your tongue down your own throat in hopes of keeping the peace and not allowing your words to get the better of you in any and all situations.