My Dearest Heart.....

Dear Heart,

Please forgive me for all the turmoil you feel right now, I take full responsibility for ever putting you in the position of having to mend in the first place. I have a tendency to get distracted by all the responsibilities that are in my life. I am taxed with the obligation of remembering everything and forgetting nothing but how is that even a possible job to accomplish? I find my space gets cluttered with all the memories and the facts filed away up here and makes me seem flaky at times or just not there for you, BUT, when you truly need me I drop everything and rush to your side.  Even though I am the keeper of all the memories;  you, my friend, are the keeper of all the feelings that occur when when these memories happen.  That seems like an extremely daunting job that would exhaust anyone!!  The pressure you must feel, no wonder you break sometimes.  The idea of feeling all the emotions over and over again, WOW, how strong you must be to endure it all.  Strong enough to feel the hurt and at the same token, strong enough to forgive it too.  I wish I could allow myself the  freedom to follow wherever you lead.  I know that you just long for a hug and the knowledge that there is just someone who GETS you.  Well, I get you love.  You, Keeper of all things mushy; you, Siren of Scars; you, Queen of Emotional Baggage; you, Ruler of Ignorant Bliss...I will forever be your sidekick in awe of your strength and depth.  So, don't feel so alone in this madness of a journey.  I know you've been banged up but never allow those that discard you to quench your desire to be loved fully, openly, and freely because love shouldn't cost you...it should only make you stronger!!  Smooches, my love. 
Signed
Your Mind, (your forever faithful friend)

Thoughts in the sand..

I step forward in the sand and watch as my toes sink further into it while thoughts are rolling through my head at an alarming rate this morning.  I was hoping the walk would clear the cobwebs out that has seemed to take the place of my normal daily thoughts.  Intertwining like silk strings, each dangling with the what ifs, the why nots, and this overwhelming feeling like things can never just go back.  Never go back to where we were before...before the hurt and the disappointment, back to where it was roses and sweet nothings whispered and believed.  Do those words carry the same value that they once did?  I was lost when you took that love away the first time and I'm not sure I am strong enough to do it again.
I see love as an ever evoling creation between two people.  I want my portion of the creative voice to be heard, never disregarded but understood.  But the older I get the more I believe it to be ignored.  My inner spirit needs to be spoken to...cuddled at night...sung to sleep...made to feel secure...and loved openly and abundantly.  I'm not sure there is another soul in this world that can handle the needs of my spirit.  Even if I sit in quiet, my mind and spirit are engulfed in flames.   Fill me with your presence and never leave me wandering alone in this world...if I feel alone, I will be alone.  Perfection will never be achieved but love could be found through the chaos of my spirit when attention is given to my heart. 

Stop circling

As I sat in the bleachers of the high school wrestling match, I watched these two young men just circle around each other.  Neither one making a move toward the other. Each was waiting to see what the other was going to do first.  I thought to myself, why are they doing that?  Why wait on someone else to do something before you do what it is you want to do?  Just do something, right or wrong, just do SOMETHING!  Great men went for it in life.  Sometimes, the choice will turn out to be the wrong one but what if that choice; that decision to just go for it, is the catalyst with which your best life happens?  If it is the wrong one, chalk it up to a lesson learned and go for the next one.  We only get this one single life to live with no do overs when it’s done, so why go in circles waiting for your chance to get the one perfect move in when you could make so many surprising moves in the meantime?  Stop sidestepping the hard things and just do SOMETHING!  Whether your something ends up being a colossal mistake or the beginning of your true journey, you will inevitably know that you didn’t just circle greatness, but that you went for it.  That you spent your one life living and loving and moving forward.  The first step is always the scariest but exciting adventure awaits us all in this life as long as we are willing to step outside the safety our circle!  

Unchallenged and unimpressed

There is one question I get asked by my family just about every Sunday..and that is, "Why are you still single?".  My answer is simply, "Hell if I know!". I believe the answer is two fold though. I absolutely refuse to settle again AND I am quite a handful!  I totally understand me and I am completely aware of my shortcomings and issues.   I'm sweet and salty, bitchy and twisted, funny and flighty, devilish and innocent all rolled into one hand crafted creation of woman. I pout when I don't get my way, I can't cook to save my life (which surprises me that the Mongrels did survive their childhood with minimal cooking accomplishments on my part), I can't hold a grudge (even to those I feel are completely deserving of hot pokers of hatred), and I am fully aware of the outstanding nature I have of talking incessantly about anything and everything, how I say what is on my mind without minding who is around. I am very territorial within all aspects of my life - I am not a big fan of sharing anything that is mine. I have this wild hair that grows out of my ass sometimes and makes me feel if I don't do something wild and crazy then I will just explode from the lack of fun.  I am quite the "Quote Aficionado" - meaning I have some useless humor or words of wisdom (whichever you are needing) on hand at all times. Also, I am a complete word whore - I absolutely love how they comfort me and abandon me all at the same exact time. I can be quite awkward, especially if I find you attractive. Need I go on or you get the picture?
Soooooooooo, as you can see it is going to take a special kind of crazy to handle all of me and my awkward, word loving, wild hair growing self.  None have been up to the challenge and that's ok....until one challenges me and actually wins, I'm just fine entertaining myself.

Fun has left the building!

My Dearest Mr. Fun,

It saddens my heart to have to write you this letter since I have considered you a dear friend and a confidant in all things epic over the span of my life!  But, as of lately, you have disappeared when I have needed you the most.  I truly hope nothing bad has happened to you. I know you have a tendency to dabble with the strippers and the occasional bender is just fine, but I need you back in my life.  You add spice and leave me feeling more than content which is something I have been lacking as of late.
Since you haven't been here, let me fill you in on what's been going on....ummm, uhhh....well, ummmmm....Well, since Bunny Boredom came along nothing has really happened.  Even her showing up has been uneventful.  Except for the fact that I can't get rid of her, I believe she may think I'm a lesbian now since you've been gone so long...She's GOT to go! Sorry, Bunny,  I prefer dick over blondes!!!  She could never understand the connection that you and I  have together.  You will always be my number 1, el numero uno!  Our adventures have always been exciting and full of surprises! Remember that one time in Charleston??? The Wet Willy afternoon? OH my, Good times..good times. And who could forget the big White House dance floor?  You, my friend, were a complete kick ass partner that night and I've been wanting to dance with only you ever since!  Oh well, I needed to tell you that I miss you and hopefully, you will come back into my life very soon to create some sunshine where there currently is none.  Oh, if you want, you can bring along that HOT fella named Inspriation (and the strippers) and we can truly get the party started! ***ME BLUSHING***
Until we dance again, here is all my love and hopes of you sweeping me off my feet..once again!

 Smooches, Darling!

Signed, Uninspired as of late

Fighting crime one Gabe at a time......

A simple evening shopping leads to a crime stopping adventure.  Last week as I’m shopping around one of my favorite discount non-chain stores, I encounter a crime being committed…well, what I saw to be a crime.  A gentleman walked into said lovely cheap store with nothing in hand and proceeded to walk out with two very large bags of items without first stopping by the checkout counter to pay for those items. So, as I pull into the parking lot tonight (along with my trustee side kick, my partner in all things non sexual), I spot a vehicle that appeared to look like the prior week’s get-away car!  I get out, nonchalantly walk to the back of the car and make note of the license plate (2 things here…nothing was nonchalant about peering my head around the back of that car for a whole 5 seconds and calling it out to said partner in crime and second, I forgot the last four numbers of the plate as soon as I walked away), we proceeded inside the store not believing that the suspects would be inside less than a week later.  I informed Wonder Windy (aka partner in all things non sexual) the physical description of the three perpetrators as we are entering the scene of the “alleged” crime.  We weren’t in the store 5 minutes before suspect one was spotted (and I believe he was wearing the same white t-shirt as last week so he doesn’t appear to be smart enough to steal something else to wear!). Once identification was made, I informed management (well, the little old lady with gray hair at the fitting room who called the manager three times but he never came).  Oh well, the team of associates followed them around the store until they finally departed..one at a time, and might I add, leaving behind a buggy full of items they had planned on stealing.  Not my business some may say but to those people I say, “You ARE welcome!”.  If people continue to steal, it drives the cost up for us buying consumers and I can only find so many clothes my size at the Goodwill people!  Needless to say, I was wearing my super hero cape tonight foiling the criminals plans to loot a store!  Super Girl better watch out….Wonder Windy and Capt'n Cook are on the prowl.  You never know if we will be appearing at your favorite store next….(unless it’s high end then it’s safe to say you won’t see us there unless we are the perpetrators, we got pennies to pinch around this phone booth ;-) ).  As I tuck my cape back under my dress, the phone rings, the Mongrels are in need of rescue, Geesh, that cape never gets a rest!!!  

The NOTS in it....

Spinnin' me around,
Had me so confused.
I was dancin' all alone
Barefoot with no shoes,
To the beat of my own heart.
Wishin' I could go back,
Back to the very start.
Cause the start was so clear,
Just let go of the past,
And all of the fears.
The fear of the NOTs,
Like all the times before.
The NOT good enough
Knocking down my damn door.
The NOT strong enough,
Comin' apart at my seams,
The NOT pretty enough,
For the man of MY dreams.
The do NOT touch me man
He’s feelin’ some type of way,
Got me NOT feeling like myself
NOT knowing what to say.
But let’s tell it like it is
From here on out.
It’s all of your NOTS
That give you the doubts.
So, why you're wastin' time
And feelin' your way along,
Don't be lookin' for me
Cause I'll be movin' on.
See, I am that chick
More loyal than you know
You just didn't have it in ya'
To love me and let go.