Remembered

I'm not sure why it began or where it ended but here is what I do remember....As I walked into the house and heard you say, "Hey, Jenny, come on in and have a seat", my heart started to beat in a rhythm I'd never felt before and my breathing seemed to just stop.  I began to walk toward that voice, that voice I had heard so many times over my 40 years, a familiar voice, one I haven't heard in so long.  I was drawn toward it and toward the chair from whence the sound had come.  As I turned the corner of the recliner there I saw your face!  I remember that I saw your face but couldn't actually "see" your face but I knew it was you as soon as I heard you!  There sat your daughter in the floor beside your chair, all sprawled out, with her legs crossed and her arms behind her body holding her up, deep in conversation with you.  As you spoke and she realized who you were talking to she greeted me with a simple, "Oh, hey Jen", like I had been expected there.  There, where I felt like an intruder in someone else's dream, being welcomed like the both of you had been waiting for me.  I remember knowing your presence was no longer on this earth but being amazed by being allowed this memory...this dream....this invasion...this beautiful moment of everyday life to keep for myself.  I remember sitting down in the floor next to you and the words flowing between us like musical notes playing a song only we knew.  I remember a feeling of a weight being lifted from me after it was over and the conversation had ended. 
I remember waking up to the tears streaming down my face and as I remember this moment, I write it down to capture, for one day, when I remember no more,  I may be reminded again.  
Uncle Wild, I sure hope your spirit has something to say to my spirit again some night...until then, you are missed and loved!  Give Grammy kisses for me!  

"Absurd attachment"

It's officially been one year since you wagged your little tail into our lives, and who would have known then just how much I was going to need you in my life!  I do have what some would call, "an absurd attachment" to you, but there are many things that maybe they don't know because they weren't there to witness how this "attachment" came to be.....

The past year of my life has been filled with disappointment, heartbreak and loss.  Losing Grammy was the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life (and keep in mind I raised the two Mongrels as a single mom, so I know difficult things when I encounter them). I  also, don't like to ask for help, so needless to say, I couldn't ask for any with my grief when it came to settle inside of me.  First, because I didn't even know how to deal with it myself and, second, I didn't want to burden anyone else with my sadness.  When things are painful and hurt down to my soul I have a tendency to withdraw into my own mind looking for a safe place to heal.  A refuge from the pain, a home for my heart to mend, somewhere I won't be judged for my thoughts.  So, off to this place of solace is where I had sent my grief in the hopes of it returning as a well behaved and reformed chum.  What I found in the process is that you cannot send grief away, it is carried within us and we slowly start to heal the brokenness by surrounding ourselves with those that silently grab a hold of it for you in the moments when it is too overbearing for you to hold alone, all without asking them to do so.  So, during my grieving time you were there...there to lay with me when all I wanted to do was cry my eyeballs out;  there when I got home and had been crying in the car during my "alone time" to remind me that I wasn't truly alone; there to focus my mind on something besides my sadness; there pushing me to get up and get moving because even though I felt like time stood still it truly wasn't being idle,  and I had to get back out and join life; there to make me laugh with your sometimes silly personality; and there at the end of the day with your unconditional love to share with me.

So, even though you run on all fours; eat my shoes when I'm not looking; bark at me to pick your toys up when you drop them off the couch; get jealous of everyone in the house; try to stop me from leaving the house without you; and have literally, shit down my vent; you my sweet girl, are my best friend and I absolutely love you bunches!  Happy first birthday!

Christmas presents

Have you ever wanted a gift for Christmas that just cost too much for someone?  One Christmas, what seems a lifetime ago, I had my heart set on a specific present.  Now, it wasn't anything shiny or sparkly, nor did it have to be polished or perfect, and no one even had to spend any actual money to give this gift.  It was of simple taste but it did require two things:  effort and time.  Mistletoe, the real stuff, not something bought with money from a tree lot, but actual mistletoe that was acquired, is what I wanted.  Unfortunately, this gift was just too expensive and cost more than he had.

Just like in any relationship, this present would require a little work so effort had to be given toward obtaining it. A weak work ethic in a person is an indicator that when things in life become difficult that you will likely be the only present party accounted for so be cautious of surrounding yourself with those people. 

Because it can never be taken back once given away to someone, time is our most valuable commodity in life. It is a symbol of our love. With whom we share our time tells a story of where our hearts lie. Invest your precious time with those that are worthy of receiving your love and not those who disregard it or do not place value in yours.  

Still, to this day, it remains the perfect present that I've never received because ultimately, to all the wrong people, it will always be a greater cost than they can afford.  So make sure when giving your heart to someone, that they possess the qualities with which to reciprocate the same amount of time and effort that you are willing to give to them, even in something as small as a Christmas present.  

Strength building...

So many times in my life I have felt the burden of weakness flow through me poisoning my mind into believing that there were things that I just couldn't do, things that I just couldn't face, and situations that I couldn't handle; but why would I ever succomb to those thoughts when I come from women who, over the span of my life, have shown me how much strength flows within my veins?  Because THEIR blood is MY blood and THEIR strength is MY strength. 
I watch my mother suffer in silence her heartbreak these days as she comes to terms with the finality of life and how she manages to continue moving forward even when I know she just wants to plant her feet in the earth firmly and hold onto with both hands those most dear to her. How she finds the strength to lift the corners of her mouth to present a smile instead of allowing the pain to push through exhibits a spirit that leaves me in awe.   
I watch as my grandmother, a once very strong-willed woman, try to hold onto that will even when her mind attempts to steal it from her like a thief. I see the look in her eyes each week searching for that strength as passionately as she searches for her words now.
I have been so fortunate in my life to have been raised by these brave souls, to bare witness to their journeys, and to be a part of a tribe of such formidable women that taught me the depths with which God planted that seed of strength within us all.  God doesn't give us more than we can carry because He knows exactly how strong He made us...and if you find yourself feeling weak, well, flex your muscles by lifting those weights up to Him because that's how we build strength. 

My Dearest Heart.....

Dear Heart,

Please forgive me for all the turmoil you feel right now, I take full responsibility for ever putting you in the position of having to mend in the first place. I have a tendency to get distracted by all the responsibilities that are in my life. I am taxed with the obligation of remembering everything and forgetting nothing but how is that even a possible job to accomplish? I find my space gets cluttered with all the memories and the facts filed away up here and makes me seem flaky at times or just not there for you, BUT, when you truly need me I drop everything and rush to your side.  Even though I am the keeper of all the memories;  you, my friend, are the keeper of all the feelings that occur when when these memories happen.  That seems like an extremely daunting job that would exhaust anyone!!  The pressure you must feel, no wonder you break sometimes.  The idea of feeling all the emotions over and over again, WOW, how strong you must be to endure it all.  Strong enough to feel the hurt and at the same token, strong enough to forgive it too.  I wish I could allow myself the  freedom to follow wherever you lead.  I know that you just long for a hug and the knowledge that there is just someone who GETS you.  Well, I get you love.  You, Keeper of all things mushy; you, Siren of Scars; you, Queen of Emotional Baggage; you, Ruler of Ignorant Bliss...I will forever be your sidekick in awe of your strength and depth.  So, don't feel so alone in this madness of a journey.  I know you've been banged up but never allow those that discard you to quench your desire to be loved fully, openly, and freely because love shouldn't cost you...it should only make you stronger!!  Smooches, my love. 
Signed
Your Mind, (your forever faithful friend)

Thoughts in the sand..

I step forward in the sand and watch as my toes sink further into it while thoughts are rolling through my head at an alarming rate this morning.  I was hoping the walk would clear the cobwebs out that has seemed to take the place of my normal daily thoughts.  Intertwining like silk strings, each dangling with the what ifs, the why nots, and this overwhelming feeling like things can never just go back.  Never go back to where we were before...before the hurt and the disappointment, back to where it was roses and sweet nothings whispered and believed.  Do those words carry the same value that they once did?  I was lost when you took that love away the first time and I'm not sure I am strong enough to do it again.
I see love as an ever evoling creation between two people.  I want my portion of the creative voice to be heard, never disregarded but understood.  But the older I get the more I believe it to be ignored.  My inner spirit needs to be spoken to...cuddled at night...sung to sleep...made to feel secure...and loved openly and abundantly.  I'm not sure there is another soul in this world that can handle the needs of my spirit.  Even if I sit in quiet, my mind and spirit are engulfed in flames.   Fill me with your presence and never leave me wandering alone in this world...if I feel alone, I will be alone.  Perfection will never be achieved but love could be found through the chaos of my spirit when attention is given to my heart. 

Stop circling

As I sat in the bleachers of the high school wrestling match, I watched these two young men just circle around each other.  Neither one making a move toward the other. Each was waiting to see what the other was going to do first.  I thought to myself, why are they doing that?  Why wait on someone else to do something before you do what it is you want to do?  Just do something, right or wrong, just do SOMETHING!  Great men went for it in life.  Sometimes, the choice will turn out to be the wrong one but what if that choice; that decision to just go for it, is the catalyst with which your best life happens?  If it is the wrong one, chalk it up to a lesson learned and go for the next one.  We only get this one single life to live with no do overs when it’s done, so why go in circles waiting for your chance to get the one perfect move in when you could make so many surprising moves in the meantime?  Stop sidestepping the hard things and just do SOMETHING!  Whether your something ends up being a colossal mistake or the beginning of your true journey, you will inevitably know that you didn’t just circle greatness, but that you went for it.  That you spent your one life living and loving and moving forward.  The first step is always the scariest but exciting adventure awaits us all in this life as long as we are willing to step outside the safety our circle!