The NOTS in it....

Spinnin' me around,
Had me so confused.
I was dancin' all alone
Barefoot with no shoes,
To the beat of my own heart.
Wishin' I could go back,
Back to the very start.
Cause the start was so clear,
Just let go of the past,
And all of the fears.
The fear of the NOTs,
Like all the times before.
The NOT good enough
Knocking down my damn door.
The NOT strong enough,
Comin' apart at my seams,
The NOT pretty enough,
For the man of MY dreams.
The do NOT touch me man
He’s feelin’ some type of way,
Got me NOT feeling like myself
NOT knowing what to say.
But let’s tell it like it is
From here on out.
It’s all of your NOTS
That give you the doubts.
So, why you're wastin' time
And feelin' your way along,
Don't be lookin' for me
Cause I'll be movin' on.
See, I am that chick
More loyal than you know
You just didn't have it in ya'
To love me and let go.

"Don't let your mouth block your blessings"

When people talk about the gifts that God has given them, I have constantly wondered, what is mine?  I contemplated this for many years and one day, I thought to myself the only thing that I somewhat do well is run my mouth. If you know me, you know I’m a talker and have been since I was born.  In fact, I’m pretty sure my first breath wasn’t a breath at all but a word spoken that no one understood at the time!   I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY WORDS!  So, maybe that is my gift?  The “gift of gab” (if that’s truly a gift) has not always been used to promote happiness or understanding, and at times has been very venomous and spiteful.  I know, that sounds so horrible but it’s the honest truth. Now, as far as what I’m supposed to do with this “gift”, I am left a little lost, so for now, I will continue to pray about that.  BUT, that’s beside the point of this post, so let me get back to it.

With me glowing in my love of my words, it happens that lately, I have found my thoughts senseless and completely jumbled inside of my head. The words are there, but nothing seems to come out.  It’s like I can almost touch them but I can’t speak or type them.  My lover, Language, has been my best friend for years and now wants to pack his bags and leave?  What am I to do without my words?   Then, it finally dawns on me…maybe...just maybe, I’m not supposed to DO anything!  That this is God’s way of saying, “There is nothing you need to say or do, but trust ME!  I am handling this.”   It’s like He had taped my mouth shut and blocked my mind so that I didn’t interfere with His work because He knew the words that I wanted to use and they were not loving or kind, or even polite.  

What's the moral of my epiphany:  When God starts to work and we step in the way and try to do things on our own, we are interfering in business that we have no business interfering in!  So sometimes, if the words don't seem to come so fluidly to you, there is a reason for that.  Trust in the silence because God's plan is bigger than any of the words that I love so dearly!   

Lies are more becoming?

Without the truth you are left with a handful of lies that don't amount to anything real.  You'll find yourself spending time digging through the words that were spoken in your ears like a child whispering your name so softly that it catches every feeling you've ever had and every feeling you've ever wanted to have.  

Then realizing those whispering words were tarnished with the blackness of the untruth.  That the minutes spent digging through the words and the hours spent pouring over the language and the total time spent rocking that child to sleep with the murmuring words flowing from their lips were all spent in vain.  The truth never resided within that place because it cost too much.  

Lies have taken the beauty out of our speech to each other with all the ugliness they portray.   

So, why is it we are so willing to put our headphones on and listen to that melody being played in our ears?  Because when those tarnished words are being trickled past the lips into our space, we want to believe those words as the beautiful truth from the beautiful person with the beautiful soul that was sent by God Himself straight to us, to deliver those heavenly words to the spirit that flows within us wanting nothing more than love and adoration from that beautiful soul speaking those words. 

In order for us all to stand in the truth we must first be willing to speak and listen to our own truth.  The truth that you may never want to hear the unadulterated gospel from someone that you love due to the heart breaking sound that may follow.  The truth that we are all worthy of not being slaves to the lies spoken into existence by those that do not find worth in the truth itself.  So men and women will continue to speak their lies through their stained lips, all the while binding the truth within, never to escape past their thorny prison.  

Let me tell you somethin......

How to keep your mouth shut when all you want to do is scream sometimes? 

Well, let me help you out because I have finally figured out the formula for doing such a thing.  But let me warn you, it could cause you to maintain a level of resentment and anger within yourself that at some point you may not be able to shove down any farther.  Imagine, if you will, a little person that resides deep down within you and as people say/do things that little person wants to climb up but you keep your hand right at the top so that when she starts to get to the top, you just push on her head until she is at the bottom again then you repeat this process over and over and over again. Until one day, you realize that little girl is no longer gonna be pushed down anymore and she comes out of the top with a vengeance.  Like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando with the rocket launcher full of all the things you’ve been wanting to say for so long shooting out of your mouth toward the other person.  Needless to say, ultimate destruction and possibly a little vomit to boot!  So, now that you are fully warned, here are the steps to follow on your way to (what I like to call) “Slapping a smile on instead of slapping someone”! 

Step 1:  Whenever someone says something you do not agree with or you find utterly full of bull malarkey, you engage your upper jaw and your lower jaw by spreading them apart and completely biting down at the same time hoping that your tongue did not get wind of what you were about to do and run toward your tonsils because you have full intention of injuring it to the point of not being able to speak.

Step 2: Whenever a person throws something up in your face, be it either a previous lover or a current “EX”, repeat Step 1 but with a little more emphasis on the bite down and (if on the phone) hang the phone up claiming there is static on the phone. (Think Verizon, can you hear me now commercial ?) 

Step 3:   Whenever a person presents their friendship as being “better” than yours or they act like being your friend is doing you some sort of “favor”, repeat Step 2 and make sure you actually see blood this time. 

Step 4:  Whenever a person treats you like a complete child when you have already established that you are a real life grown up that has spent 17 years raising two kids on your own, Repeat Step 3 and run in the opposite direction of where this person is – even if you are only on the phone, drop the phone and run the opposite direction.  

Step 5:  Whenever a person confuses you to the point of never knowing where you completely stand with them or the status of your “private” relationship, repeat Steps 1-4 and if that doesn’t work, let that little girl inside come flying out with that rocket launcher and maybe, just maybe, she will be sportin’ a grenade or two in her pants to throw out and help the mass explosion that is about to come out of your mouth like word vomit! 

I hope these steps have helped you in learning how to sufficiently shove your tongue down your own throat in hopes of keeping the peace and not allowing your words to get the better of you in any and all situations.  

Whiteness

I had a dream the other night about a white room... With white walls and bright white lights, so bright nothing else could be seen.  I felt the ground beneath me, solid and firm.  I was running toward the exit but it felt like an invisible white wall was in front of me and like a giant hand was holding me back. .. Back from my future... Back from my past... back from everything I knew in this life.  I opened my mouth and screamed, screamed so loud that it was the loudest sound ever made,  but it was only in my head because no sound came out... no voice was mine being heard... no sound could escape this white room.  I was covered but in nothing at all..I reached out for you, but you weren't there. No one was there... I was unequivocally alone in this white room, with it's white walls, with no sound escaping.

How little are we talking???

When it comes to the little things how little are we talking????  
As I scroll through memory lane (aka my cell phone GALLERY), it only takes a few photos to draw my attention to a couple facts: 1) that the camera coming at me from my right is NOT a flattering angle, and 2) that it's all those little moments that we end up forgetting as life progresses. 
Have you ever heard someone tell a story and when they recall a small minute detail they say, "I don't know why I remember that part"?  It's because we usually forget all the smaller details of things like why we were there or what we were wearing in those tiny moments.  
While scrolling through my "memory", I see pictures that remind me of all the every day moments that I often forget like the Male Mongrel trying on this absurd looking sleeveless jean jacket in Rugged Warehouse and the time he ate so much at Cracker Barrel that he almost didn't make it to the car...and the picture where I caught "Mega Moody" walking out of the Circle K on a random night or the many selfies she takes when my phone is left unattended....and the selfies I take with my favorite elderly lady (aka the Grammy), with the silly things she does to make me laugh... and the pic of Lauren De Taint-es holding up a plastic mustache straw while wearing a paper bandana around her head pretending to be Hulk Hogan, and her and James grilling burgers in the rain at her house warming party....and the video of a friend lip syncing a song just to make you smile...and the summer weekends spent at Carowinds with both the Mongrels and their friends or Saturday Nights at the drive-in watching a double feature out under the stars.... so many memories being held on a tiny disk.  It's these pictures/videos that make up our lives...a flip book of times past.  Things get chaotic and we forget that it's the day-to-day memories that mean the most because it involves the people that are there every single day.  It includes the people we love, the ones we trust, the ones that drive us past crazy, and the ones we value and hold dear.  Don't discount those little things that happen each day in your life.  Grab hold of those memories and let them sink in deep because you never know which ones will end up being your favorites or which one will change the course of your journey in life.  
Celebrate every single day, love beyond your capacity, be kind when all else fails, and forgive farther than reason allows.  

My Village

They say it takes a village to raise a child and I've come to realize they're right.  In modern day terms: it takes a whole town.  A combination of parents, grandparents, coaches, friends, neighbors, teachers, and anyone else you deem worthy to be in your/their lives. When someone takes an outside look into my life they may see a single mom raising two kids on her own.  And they would be partly right, but with a closer look they may realize that's not the entire picture.  They failed to notice the grandparents standing there helping, not only financially,  but also, historically,  by contributing parenting advice to help guide you through the hard times and the transitions of childhood and adolescence from their own experiences. The close friends that lend an ear when screaming is all a parent wants to do, by offering the shoulder to cry on when things just get too overwhelming to handle, and the emotional baggage they help you carry when your hands are just too full to carry the load alone.  The coaches, that help you by enforcing that praise is earned through hard work and determination for those willing to put in the work, for giving of their time to help them excel at something that is their passion, and to assist them in developing a mental toughness that they will need to pursue their dreams in life.  The neighbors, to remind them that someone is always watching so be the best you at all times and others will notice.  Teachers, to give them the knowledge to become anything in this life that they want to be.  Other parents (band, sports, dance, or any other kind), to become emotionally attached to your children in a way that allows them to offer genuine words of encouragement when they may need it most or simply,  just an ear from time to time.
 I have been very fortunate in having so many in my village that love and care for my children.  The more my village expands so does my heart with love and respect for so many others.  I only hope that my contribution has been as valuable to others as theirs has been to me and mine.  Thank you, my "village" for helping me raise my two Mongrels so far!  I couldn't do it without all of you.   ❤👏

Write-off???

I’m so disappointed that a person will just write you off for something that was unintentional.  I guess I’m different, in that I give people chances – sometimes more than they deserve (a complete fault of mine), but none-the-less, I give them.   Everyone makes mistakes and we all judge those mistakes by something I like to call the big ole’ MISTAKE-O-METER (which is based on your own individual life experiences).  Example:  where, a little white lie would land on your meter as a 2, on mine it would be an 8. Or quite possibly where a, “I said the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong way” may be a 10 to you, it’s more of a 3 to me.  I am not a mean person nor do I have ulterior mean motives behind any of my actions.  What I AM is a person who hates to hurt someone’s feelings.  The “People Pleaser” inside of me wants to make it right and correct the situation and mend the friendship but when not given a chance to do so my “Heartbroken Human” is, well, heartbroken.  I do a fantastic job of pretending that life is easy and fun and I’m just dandy on my own but in reality, I’m just a mushy girl on the inside.  A fact about myself that I find utterly disgusting at times (especially when my eyes begin to swell and the tears begin to fall), but it’s not something I can change either – seems I’m kinda stuck with the vagina and the breasts!  But maybe, instead of writing a person off, you try to understand where they were coming from.  A point of view that may not be your own or one that you would not have thought about before.  Maybe that person just needed a hug to settle their nerves, or a kind word in place of a harsh one, or a smile to help them make it through the day, or just to see you because they miss you, or just someone that will understand and not judge an action that was never intended to insult/injure your pride and/or feelings.  

A friend of mine gave me a new perspective to look at in situations when she said, “Look at the heart of the person not the action”.   Meaning, try to see the intention behind the action.  If you look at someone's heart, you'll know if they are a complete and utter asshat or simply went about something the wrong way.  So, for anyone reading this… if you have lost hope in people in general, take a step back, let go of the negative energy that holds you in a place of regret/anger, and take a different approach and see the “heart not the action” of the people in your life and maybe you'll gain valuable friendships that will last your entire lifetime.

I need a minute

Sometimes, a Momma just needs a minute.  A minute to bitch and whine like a child, pitch a fit like a toddler or stomp her foot and walk away like a teenager.  A minute to express their level of pissed-off-ness without being judged by the general public for not being a “pulled together all the time” Mom.  A minute to just be tired of doing it alone ALL THE TIME and wallow in that loneliness.  A minute to be jealous of those moms that have that partner to help and listen and comfort them when it becomes too much to handle.  A minute to reflect on their own failed attempts at love and wonder, “How the hell am I supposed to give you relationship advice?  You have been present for the majority of my epic failures in picking out a significant other, correct?”  A minute for remembering how it felt to not worry about anyone other than themselves.  A quiet moment just to herself.  The minute has now faded and reality is standing there with their hands on their hips staring at her with complete disdain, “MOM, what’s for dinner????  Can you do a load of my laundry???? I need that in the morning for school!”  Ugh…I think I’m gonna need another minute!