Letter 415

Dearest Grammy,

   I cannot believe it has been an entire year since I last held your hand.  The hands that helped guide me as a child, the hands that worked endlessly to do for those you love, the hands that were used to envelope me in your embrace, the hands that cooked so many Sunday meals over the years, the hands I never wanted to let go of.  Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t wish to hold your hand or to lay my head in your lap and have those hands brush your fingers through my hair just once more.

I won't lie to you and tell you this has all been easy but I do say Gracias to all the cardinals you've fluttered in my direction to give me, if nothing, but a brief sense of your kind presence and remind me that you are now at a peace the rest of us will, hopefully, one day know.

Thank you for always being such a strong influence in my life and leading by example.  I never remember you being anything less than a pillar of strength and I look back in awe of how you raised four children all by yourself,  as I often found raising two children,  alone,  seemed to be an extreme sport.  I must thank you, for it was in the moments, when I found my spirit weak and my body too tired, that I was able to pull from a well of determination and perserverance that you filled throughout my life and that is something that I will forever be grateful for.

Growing up I watched as you nutured your relationships with your family, your sisters, brothers, childen, grandchildren, and great grandchilden because family was the most important part of life to you.  I must thank you for teaching me that family will always be there when you truly need them and to nuture those friendships along the way.  I've been trying to work on cleaning up the lack luster friendships that no longer encourage or offer support to my life.  I’m learning to assign value to my own stock in this world and stop allowing others to devalue me with their actions or opinions. Not everyone is meant to be permanent in our lives and the lessons we learn from them are what we carry with us as memories, some good and some bad.  There are no “Thank you’s” big enough to express the deep found gratitude I have for all the great memories, love, strength, and family you blessed me with.  You will continue to be in my heart every single day that I continue to exist. I love you forever and then some.  Til we see each other again 💋.
Your favorite (I’ve always known),

Jinky Rinky

Remembered

I'm not sure why it began or where it ended but here is what I do remember....As I walked into the house and heard you say, "Hey, Jenny, come on in and have a seat", my heart started to beat in a rhythm I'd never felt before and my breathing seemed to just stop.  I began to walk toward that voice, that voice I had heard so many times over my 40 years, a familiar voice, one I haven't heard in so long.  I was drawn toward it and toward the chair from whence the sound had come.  As I turned the corner of the recliner there I saw your face!  I remember that I saw your face but couldn't actually "see" your face but I knew it was you as soon as I heard you!  There sat your daughter in the floor beside your chair, all sprawled out, with her legs crossed and her arms behind her body holding her up, deep in conversation with you.  As you spoke and she realized who you were talking to she greeted me with a simple, "Oh, hey Jen", like I had been expected there.  There, where I felt like an intruder in someone else's dream, being welcomed like the both of you had been waiting for me.  I remember knowing your presence was no longer on this earth but being amazed by being allowed this memory...this dream....this invasion...this beautiful moment of everyday life to keep for myself.  I remember sitting down in the floor next to you and the words flowing between us like musical notes playing a song only we knew.  I remember a feeling of a weight being lifted from me after it was over and the conversation had ended. 
I remember waking up to the tears streaming down my face and as I remember this moment, I write it down to capture, for one day, when I remember no more,  I may be reminded again.  
Uncle Wild, I sure hope your spirit has something to say to my spirit again some night...until then, you are missed and loved!  Give Grammy kisses for me!  

"Absurd attachment"

It's officially been one year since you wagged your little tail into our lives, and who would have known then just how much I was going to need you in my life!  I do have what some would call, "an absurd attachment" to you, but there are many things that maybe they don't know because they weren't there to witness how this "attachment" came to be.....

The past year of my life has been filled with disappointment, heartbreak and loss.  Losing Grammy was the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life (and keep in mind I raised the two Mongrels as a single mom, so I know difficult things when I encounter them). I  also, don't like to ask for help, so needless to say, I couldn't ask for any with my grief when it came to settle inside of me.  First, because I didn't even know how to deal with it myself and, second, I didn't want to burden anyone else with my sadness.  When things are painful and hurt down to my soul I have a tendency to withdraw into my own mind looking for a safe place to heal.  A refuge from the pain, a home for my heart to mend, somewhere I won't be judged for my thoughts.  So, off to this place of solace is where I had sent my grief in the hopes of it returning as a well behaved and reformed chum.  What I found in the process is that you cannot send grief away, it is carried within us and we slowly start to heal the brokenness by surrounding ourselves with those that silently grab a hold of it for you in the moments when it is too overbearing for you to hold alone, all without asking them to do so.  So, during my grieving time you were there...there to lay with me when all I wanted to do was cry my eyeballs out;  there when I got home and had been crying in the car during my "alone time" to remind me that I wasn't truly alone; there to focus my mind on something besides my sadness; there pushing me to get up and get moving because even though I felt like time stood still it truly wasn't being idle,  and I had to get back out and join life; there to make me laugh with your sometimes silly personality; and there at the end of the day with your unconditional love to share with me.

So, even though you run on all fours; eat my shoes when I'm not looking; bark at me to pick your toys up when you drop them off the couch; get jealous of everyone in the house; try to stop me from leaving the house without you; and have literally, shit down my vent; you my sweet girl, are my best friend and I absolutely love you bunches!  Happy first birthday!