Dear Anger

 Dear Mr. Anger,

    The awkwardness of this letter is beyond my vocabulary at the moment so please forgive me. I understand the fury which exists inside of you that leaks out from time to time on those around you, myself included, and it’s with that fury that this letter is intended to reach.  No harsher words can be said than those YOU speak. I felt your power most in those fearful moments, the ones I wasn’t sure you would be talked down from that ledge of oblivion you choose to walk. As a mother, I felt the desire to coddle you into submission and wrap you in love but I found my swaddling to be severely insufficient for your needs.  As a friend, I wanted to listen and offer advice when it came to your overall being, but you spoke with intimidation so loudly I couldn’t calm the beast emerging to hear your cries.  As a woman, I waited for the apology that was deserved.  For in those moments you allowed your loss of control to capture my attention, you became unworthy of my energy.  My energy is filled with light and when spoken to in such a manner will blossom with the fruits of my spirit. Perhaps, in our future lives, we’ll speak fondly of each other to others and not let the entirety of our intimacy be buried in disgust but flourish from growth.  

Sincerely,

Me (just me)  

Anxiety

Mr. Anxiety,

    With you, each breath becomes quicker with a quiver that resonates from my inner spirit. It’s like being privy to my spirit breathing deep inside while my soul is rocking the rib cage as if a death row inmate desperately looking for someone to open the bars.  Then, an overall liquid coating of absolute cold weathered fear fills up inside of my stomach. Turning my guts into a knotted rope exhibiting the fight and flight response at the exact same moment, all whilst trying to discern the 5,819 thoughts running through my mind on auto loop. My soul is trying to escape the depths from where it lies and my body wanting to chase it so as not to be separated from each other. Stumbling after my thoughts and reaching out for  my peace become the only distraction I have left to focus on but both are quite exhaustive.  

 Close my eyes, slow the breathing to settle the beast knocking down the walls, isolate one voice (preferably the one telling me this will pass), and envision God’s almighty, beautiful hand reaching down from above to envelope my spirit’s face to assure me there is no need to fear. There is no need to fear the unknown but embrace it as a student of life, forever learning.  

THIS Christmas

I started this Christmas season worrying about the Christmas tree and wanting it to be perfect, but finally realizing that my perfect tree wasn't the same as another's.  What the tree represents to me is a childhood love of the lights wrapped all around.  Riding in the back seat of the car, peering out the windows staring at all the twinkling lights that danced around the trees during this time of year, filled me with happiness and joy that my spirit tangos with every year. My tree has no topper and I'm pretty sure you can tell I added additional lights in the middle to cover up the fact that those "in tree" lights weren't working.  It has no real style label other than mine but it makes me think of a wooded forest with tree gnomes having a fun time hanging out in their tree house during the winter snow day...which, makes my heart smile in a way that I'm transported back in time to watching those trees sparkle as far as I could see all those years ago.   

I, then moved to stressing about what to get each and everyone on my list and being upset with myself for not following through with the "perfect gift" to each.  You know, the picture you have of giving that one item they will forever remember and adore above all others.  But, what is that gift??  I purchased clothing, shoes, lights, shoes WITH lights, fanny packs, and the ever faithful gift cards (the gift card isn't the perfect gift, so epic failure there, but a C- for amount and thought).  I masked up and stood in lines and walked more than my step counter had seen only to end up wishing I'd done more! Don't we all feel that way. 

Christmas Day came and as everyone opened their gifts I looked around at mine. First, the blessing of  spending the day with those I love and the ones they love in return by adding the Mongrel's new tamers to our holiday festivities. Second, The taste of the memories I relived when I was inhaling the dressing mom made that tasted just like Grammys, so much so that I wanted to eat the whole pan just to savor the memories (carbs be damned!).  Third, the yearly running commentary on the "dry turkey" and it's lack of taste.  One year I'm gonna surprise them, with a less dry turkey!  

So, after all the stressing and mental/emotional breakdowns that occurred in the past 2 months, my Christmas was filled with love and laughter that defined my Christmas as Merry and Bright, just like my tree! Thank you family and friends for my precious gifts this season!  I mucho mucho love them.