Dearest Mental Health

 When we were walking through Wal-Mart today, I felt how you shrunk down inside of me.  I felt your anxiety that ran throughout, where you started questioning your every decision this past week. How you were beating yourself up about everything that happened…stop!  Just take a moment and breathe!  

When you were in that past relationship, you were made to walk on egg shells as not to disturb the monster that you called significant other.  You ate guilt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because you were manipulated to believe everything wrong was your fault.  You saw no way out from the prison that you helped to create for yourself by allowing the narcissist to have access to your thoughts while you slept.  It felt like there were days in that aftermath that you could barely breathe, but you managed to keep getting up every day and began working on yourself once he was gone. You sought help and guidance from a professional because you were so beaten down you couldn’t even stand on your own two legs at that time. Now, you’re better.  You didn’t run away from the fight for your life, you walked passionately and intently toward this version of you.  I kinda like you now.  So, why does everything in you say to run now?  That feeling to run away, not walk, from the job you’ve had for so long now because you feel that same pull into darkness you once did. The familiarity of those eggs shells crunching under your feet, once again triggering you to into a shell of this person you’ve become.  The sound of the lies piercing your ears becomes so loud you can’t hear me cheering you on past them.  You promised yourself to never be in a relationship like that again, but you were there first before this monster. Now he roams the same hallways five days a week with his control issues.  You’ve expressed yourself and are aware now of this trigger but I see you raising your hand to ask a question because if you  speak out of turn you are argumentative or combative to his sense of self.  My friend, you fought hard to get past those demons and I can’t stand by while you’re flailing your arms asking for help, not again.  I am listening, I hear you, I am right here with you now and always. So, breathe, get on your knees and give this one to God, let Him fight this battle for you.  Then get up, put your hand down, and walk toward the doors and opportunities that God presents. 

Signed,

M.E. 

Dearest Grandpa,

Yesterday was such a special day of celebrating your life.  It started at one of the churches you helped to establish, where family and friends poured in to listen to the official good-byes laid out in the beautiful program of your service.  Philip began playing on his guitar, "Lead me Home", with which we all listened to those sweet words, "I am standing on the mountain, I can hear the angles' songs, I am reaching over Jordan, Take my hand, Lord, lead me home.". The pastor of the church spoke a few words then Tommy began speaking on your "wonderful life".  His words rang so true to who you were in this world and the life that you led, for your family but first for Jesus.  Tears fell down my face as I reflected on your life and how you were now rejoicing with Grandma in Heaven surrounded by those that you had loved and lost. The graveside portion of your service was just as moving.  With each ring of the shots fired in the 21 gun salute to your service of your country, the impact of your life also rang  out to all those standing within hearing distance.  Then silence followed.  The solemness with which those soldiers stared at each other and the attention to detail they had in folding the flag that covered your casket sent tears streaming again down my face.  We seemed to all reflect on how "love in action" doesn't have to make a sound, but leaves a mark on the lives it touches.  Philip Smith's prayer brought us all comforting thoughts on how much you were loved on this earth and where you are celebrating now.   The hugs and handshakes of condolences to the family after the service looked like every Baptist church parking lot when the Sunday morning service is over.  Then it was back to the church to feed the bellies of everyone.  

After a few changes of clothes, we all met back at your home on Molly Circle for, what felt like, a last supper.  Tables and chairs were brought because the front porch just wasn't big enough.  I looked around and saw Tommy and Joni holding sweet baby Sadie in the porch swing,  Justin and Briana with Lincoln, Kennedy spreading his arms to give those precious hugs of his to K'lani.  Joel, Amy, Morgan and mom sitting there in the throws of conversation.  All the boys tossing the football back and forth embarrassing the older guys.  Wayne, dad, Philip conversating at one of the tables, I'm sure guns were involved in their conversation as some point.  Amy, Crystal, Julie, Jennifer, and Shannon discussing raising children and how difficult it can be at times but the humor that comes out of those struggles can lend a laugh to everyone.  Becky and Donna sitting there on the front porch watching everyone one last time enjoy this home their parents loved so intently.  I felt as if my mind was taking small snapshots in the hopes of always remembering these fleeting moments.  I got up to leave about three different times but found myself sitting down for just one more conversation, for one more giggle, and one more picture to hold onto.  

I hope that you knew how much you were loved on this earth, but sometimes I'm sure you felt unappreciated and perhaps, as if, not valued, but I've learned that love comes in all shapes and sizes.  Sometimes, it's big and sometimes it's quiet, but it can always be found deep, where the roots grow. I see those roots in my father.  The love he has for his grandchildren and now, his great grandchildren goes beyond anything I could have ever wished for.  I know you are gone now, but your legacy does continue on within those 7 children you raised that led to the 21 grandchildren they gave you  and onto the 44 great grandchildren and now to the 5 great great grandchildren. Your roots run deep within this family and will be remembered with smiles and fondness throughout these generations.  

Dear Mr. Addiction,

I had a dream the other night...I was standing outside in the darkness, fully clothed, when I could smell the rain coming, could hear the thunder as it got closer and see the lightning strikes as they became brighter. The wind blew hard and the trees bowed to it.  It was as if I was watching myself standing there unable to run for cover.  I slowly extended my arms out from my sides up towards the sky and felt the first rain drop plop onto my face.  One by one they kept falling until my entire body was soaking wet.  I just couldn't move...I had prayed for this rain before in my life.  Praying again now, that it would come and wash it all away as each droplet fell and pinged against me.  Standing there, in the darkness, allowing nature to seemingly wash away every feeling that I ever had that led back to you, I realized it wasn't the rain falling anymore, it was coming from my eyes....my tears. Tears I keep hidden from the world and from myself, for if I expose them to others, I expose my weakness as well.  

I woke up from this dream and realized that life is full of men like you.  It would be easy to say that you only go after the broken but that's not true.  Most people would think you come in like the Kool-Aid fella, busting in like you own the place, but it's more in the quiet moments of life you subtly knock on the door.  When we open that door, there you are standing there holding whatever it is that makes us forget.  We all want to forget...forget the pain, forget the sadness, forget the boredom, forget the lack luster life we have created for ourselves.  For it's in those moments that we are at our weakest and why we invite you back into our lives.  I had hoped 2 years ago, when losing my brother that you would never show up again, but I guess that was a false hope.  A few months ago, when hearing about an old friend succumbing to the same tragedy, I hated you even more.  I wanted to ask you all the questions that I would never have answers to.  Why did you lead these good men toward their fateful end?  Why did you continue taking from mine and others lives with no regard to our feelings?  How would these holes you created be filled with something other than you?  Where does possibility enter and you exit?  

 Life has taught me that you cannot have good without evil and you sir, are the evil one.  You are the devil I see in so many places, lurking in the shadows of hearts.  For those that are tricked by your shininess and allure of forgetting, I will do my diligence to be there to help them remember.  I have failed those I love in the past but I promise to always remember them and not allow you to make me forget how much they meant to me and those that loved them.  We are all flawed and have walked the paths you laid out before us because it seemed easier, but life is not easy.  It does get hard and we become weary, but God loves us still.  His love is what we need to carry within our hearts and not the burdens of this life.  I will continue giving my burdens to Him and praying, not for the rain to wash it all away, but for His love to wash over me so I can shower those around me with it instead.  

(Signed)

A broken but saved by grace being,

M.E.